Happy New Year. Your horoscopes follow....

I am fascinated by horoscopes. I am not entirely convinced of their accuracy and neither am I convinced that, as a Taurean, myself and 2 billion other people worldwide will have a windfall this week. With that in mind my first post of the new year will outline your year ahead but in a more realistic fashion:

Capricorn (22 December - 20 January)

Not looking good for you. You will sneeze in November.

Aquarius (21 January - 19 February)

Also, not looking good for you. You will get a bit hot in July.

Pisces (20 February - 20 March)

Yep, not good for you either. You will have a slight headache in April.

Aries (21 March - 20 April)

Outlook is bleak. You will meet a random person in June (unless you're in a relationship, which means you won't meet anyone new at all this year!)

Taurus (20 April - 21 May)

Don't bother leaving the house. You will spend too much money in December.

Gemini (22 May - 21 June)

Stay in bed. You will break something in October.

Cancer (22 June - 23 July)

See above. You will eat too much on your birthday.

Leo (24 July - 23 August)

Buy a gun. You will find something at some point this year, no specifics.

Virgo (24 August - 23 September)

It's a hard life for virgins. Somebody will say something about you in May.

Libra (24 September - 23 October)

Give up now. Something you've always wanted won't happen.

Scorpio (24 October - 22 November)

Leave the country. It will rain in April.

Sagittarius (23 November - 21 December)

It's an intriguing year ahead for Sagittarians. The moon in Venus suggests an exciting encounter in March will result in a new project being proposed. Single? This is the year for you to meet a Virgo with a twinkle in his/her eye. Watch out for money worries in May but this should set you on the right path for an inheritance in September. June would be a great time to reconsider your career and perhaps investigate travel.

I'm sure the above is about as reliable as Mystic Meg, if a little more cynical!